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The Museum of Nothingness

Ranked #388 in Travel & Places, #17,911 overall

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THE WONDERS OF NOTHINGNESS

Imagine trying to explain Disneyland to an amoeba. My planet once featured many museums of nothingness. The museums waned and the planet itself diminished into a museum feature...had there been either a planet or museum left for setting up exhibits. This is my attempt to explain the wonders of the museum to Humans.

Earthman Discusses Nothing

Hide All Sharp Objects

Accent from land of Britannia lends credence to a speech about nothing, and filled with void.
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Nothing From Nothing

The Great Billy Preston

Here is a nothing that IS something
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THE HUMAN BRAIN

*Photo: See: Jellyfish

See the conceited human. He thinks he can destroy his planet simply by existing. Fool! Even his donkeys mock him with their brays and grinning teeth.

TELEPROMPTER

Karaoke For Politicians

While this nothing machine displays nothing words for nothing people to regurgitate on an endless loop of nothingness, it cannot pronounce the words properly for the nothing politician. ERGO, Earthling, if machine displays the words, "air corpsmen" and the politician reads the screen and blurts out, "Air Corpse Men" there is literally NOTHING teleprompter machine can do to correct the blunder. Do you see what I did? I used the word 'nothing' while describing nothingness! Ah, to you it is nothing, but I have just achieved §º¡.

MY CHECKING ACCOUNT

Nothingness.

Unaware of the treacherous ways of humans, I mistook the circled numbers for the digits I was supposed to enter on the line marked: "Dollars"
Only five hortizillion payments until I "catch up"

ONE SINGLE GRAIN OF SAND

What was once an island is now a single spec of sand, buried under the mass of a dust flake here in the Museum of Nothingness. Humans take note.

GLASS OF WATER

It is written that water is the healthiest drink. Really?
Let it be said here, that if I was dying of thirst and somebody placed this glass of nothingness in front of me, I would say, "No thanks, I'll just keep dying."

PENCIL ERASER*

(((((Hot Button Topic)))))

Long one of the most controversial items in many of the Museums of Nothingness, I choose to display it until pressured to remove said display.
Of course, the issue is that while the pencil creates, the eraser does the opposite, it destroys that which has been created, therefore, a weapon of destruction cannot be held, as such, to be nothing.

While one school of thought points to its latent destructive ways, others point out, and I am of this point of view, that in destroying that which is created, so does it destroy itself, therefore becoming nothingness. While many of the old school keepers of the Museums decry that if this is the case, the pencil eraser must be displayed only in its mode of shavings, I, and many other of the younger breed, opt for the point of view that words are only meaningful and powerful for those who cannot use their fists or fire death rays. Therefore, it is simply a dormant item of nothingness no matter in which manner it is to be deployed.

*Of course, there have been volumes written on the topic, but for those who are interested, I would direct you to a Library of Nothingness, as this is a Museum, and is purely intended to inform, entertain, and delight and preserve history. As you know, libraries are dedicated to words that lie and are hard to spell.

TELEVISION

Do NOT Touch the display!

This is the only display in the museum that is only nothing when it is working. However, turn it off and it leaps away from the shackles of nothingness and into the realms of usefulness. Do not touch it, a tour guide shall show you a demonstration.

TELEVISION DEMONSTRATION

A Paradox In Real-Time

As you well know, the television serves as a coaster, a dim mirror, a coffee table, a wall covering, along with many other purposes. However, only when you implement it, or click the button to turn it on, does it become useless; a true display of nothingness. Click the button now to observe the paradox.
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COTTAGE CHEESE

Earthlings...Seriously?

I would submit that unless you see the Virgin Mary in this curdled mess, that there is absolutely nothing to this failed ice cream. When you tip a milk carton toward your awaiting glass, and it plops, rather than pours, do you squeal in delight and exclaim, "Free cottage cheese!"? No, you plug your nose and dump it all down the garbage disposal, don a hazmat suit, place caution tape around your kitchen, open all the doors and windows, call in an exorcist, call in to work, and tent your house before bursting into tears.

However, you will pay money for a small tub of the exact same result and murmur, "Mmm..." as you spoon this curdled milk, sans the taste of rot, into your mouth? And it was MY planet that ruined itself?

YOUR DIARY

If "Nothingness" was a classic screenplay, you would be Ingmar Bergman

Most people who keep a diary are not aware that if they favored the world by dying in their sleep, their diary entry for at least one day would be scintillating compared to the rest of the tragic lead waste that went into the "tome." On my planet, scabillions died from The Great Lead Shortage. Imagine my ire to find Earth girls grinding precious ounces of lead into diary entries such as: "If Tommy does not notice me today I'll DIE!!!!" Just ONE exclamation point would have saved badizzion lives on my planet.

One Earth Person's life is nothing. Why must they chronicle it so? Certainly the dog of an Earth Person would keep a more interesting diary: (I paraphrase) "Dear Diary, I licked my balls, ate horse shit, and took a piss on some guy's tires, who seemed pretty excited about it. A lady reached down to pet me and I barfed on her shoes. I shut that stupid squirrel up today by asking him if he's so much smarter than me, why can't he fly? He went 'nuts' and came out onto the edge of a branch to lecture me for forty minutes with a speech that consisted of nothing more than screaming, "...and ANOTHER thing." My owner finally came out and hit him in the face with a football, and I chased him into the neighbor's yard where his fat ass got stuck under a shed. It's midnight now, and I can still hear his plaintive wail. Ha ha ha, GOOD STUFF!"

The only diary entry anyone should want to see from a Human is, "Dear Diary, today I cured cancer when I accidentally substituted tequila
for vodka in my bloody mary. I have to go make an acceptance speech soon. I've pissed my trousers.
Too tired to change them. Who cares? I cured freaking cancer. In fact, I'm going to let my dog accept the award on my behalf and give a speech."

CLOCK*

Does Anybody Really Know What Time it Is?

An Earthling who is in prison for life will tell you that time is nothing to him. Funny, but breakfast time, lunchtime, dinnertime and yard time mean a great deal to him. Therefore, he is a liar. Of course, he is not in prison for being a liar, but probably for killing somebody who called him a liar.

However, to the rest of free beings, time truly has no meaning, because it is past, present, and future all at once. It will keep ticking long after the hour hand sweeps everybody into the void. Therefore, the answer to "Chicago's" rhetorical song title, is "No."

*Also see "Moral Compass"

Money

"I Don't Give a Damn About a Greenback Dollar" (Human Anthem About the Lack of Nothing)

While it may be argued that those who have no money are usually seen walking around in a daze, filthy, wearing funny looking clothes, drooling, saying nonsensical things, and are high on crack, the same can be said about those who have uncountable sums of money. (r) 1, 2. This fact, therefore, would seem to balance into the flatline of nothingness, rendering the amount of money you actually possess to be significant of nothing.

1-Television
2-People in Nothingness Exhibit

BRICK WALL

Wall of Contradiction

For Humans, walls seldom move unless they are secret panels. This is just a brick wall. It is nothing. This wall is nothingness personified. What makes this nothing wall so strange is while it is meant to stop the physical, it is most often the mental that surrenders when faced with it, and the physical that smashes through to the other side.

Autographs

"Hi, I'm your biggest fan, could you please--okay, maybe next time, HEY, I LOVED YOU IN..."

On my planet if a celebrity took a pen from somebody and signed his name to a piece of paper and handed it back, we would say something like, "%u221E=~..¡%u2264" To translate roughly, it means, "Hey, you just spilled a bunch of ink out of my pen and then gave me a marked up piece of trash to throw away. What's up with that?"

Duane Thomas, one of Earth's greatest professional athletes ever, once told an Earth Boy fan that "an autograph is nothing. Just my name on a piece of paper." He then refused to sign the autograph. Before the boy could become psychologically distraught, however, Thomas reached out his hand and shook the boy's hand, telling him, "Now we've made a connection. Isn't that better than an autograph? The Earth Boy seemed to think so.

DOILYS

If I was an Earth Parent and my child brought me home a "doily" that it had made for me in school, I would waste precious lead and jab the child in the face with a sharpened #3 pencil. What Human had the "idea" that creating freakishly huge, artificial snow flakes and flinging them around the house to lay about looking like ghost excrement was a good idea? What does a Human Being do when they see a spider web in their house? They make a face like a man passing gas, take a broom and wipe the web from existence. Then they sit around for hours and create a new web from materials they pay for, to replace what the spider did for free!

Question: (Me, pointing to a doily) "Earth bitch, what do you use this for?"
Answer: (Earth bitch, blushing) "Why, nothing. that's a doily, silly!"
Question: (Me, biting my tongue) "May I display it in my museum?)
Answer: (Earth bitch, giggling) "Sure, but it really is nothing of interest."
Me: *humming, acting casual, removing 'Doily' display with trembling hands from house of Hostess

Male Wedding Ring

The Circle of Nothingness

The Human male, taking part in the grudge ceremony of matrimony says, "I do," countless times. What he really is saying is, "Yep, yep, yep, yep, why are we still talking, the condoms are paid for?" He then allows his chosen wife to place what is known on most planets as "The Circle of Disappointment" upon his nose-picking finger. For Earth Woman, the circle of the ring means, "Forever." For Earth Male it signifies, "Oh my God, it never stops." This cheap trinket, however, is a blinding testimony to not only nothingness, but worthlessness as well, which is, however, a different set of museums, much like art and history museums.

DEAD BLADE OF GRASS

This was once something. Now it is nothing. It is as nothing as a Canadian army rifle.

TWO FORMER ORGANISMS

One collecting rust, the other, ashes and dust. Either way, they are both nothingness.

photo from 'old school network' or something like that

"Then I press this button, and my Grandson can talk to me from his Ouija board!"

Eye Glasses

It's Not Blind, It's My Brother

Eye glasses are the biggest nothing in the Museum, and the most popular. For Humans, false alien eyes cause them to feel more attractive. This is utter strangeness, because Humans consider myself, and other creatures from other solar systems odd-looking in the extreme. Long ago, beings on Earth with more intelligence than a can of tomato soup invented a glass that when stuck over the eyes of a Human, could help them see better, if they were not blind.

Early Eye Help For the Blind

If the human was blind, a pair of marbles were jammed into their eye sockets and they were told to go to poor neighborhoods to scare children.

Pirates

Black cardboard, fastened by string, was sometimes strapped to their face and they were told to run off to join pirates. As a joke, huge, garish birds were often propped onto their shoulders.

Early Alien Eye Apparel for the Vain

Sometimes, black glass was fashioned inside of frames and then strapped to their ears with poles. The blind person was then told to run off and be a blues star. With varying degrees of success, of course.

Eye Glasses For The Non-Sight Impaired

Nothingness Personified

Today, many Humans with perfect eye vision wear vision aids, or "Eye Glasses" that contain no vision aid glass inside the frames in an attempt to make themselves appear smarter than the average Human.

CAN YOU SPOT THE DIFFERENCE?

Nothing. That is the difference.

THE SOUNDS OF NOTHINGNESS

Song: "We Are the Children" Artist:

The artist's retching song title has assured his record to be displayed in the Museum of Nothingness.

¶¶¶¶ §PECIAL £XIBIT ¶¶¶¶

^^^^Hall of Nothingness^^^^

Some Humans decry my exploitation of these unfortunates. Their opinion means nothing. Now, to coin an Earth hucksterism...STEP RIGHT UP!

ALMOND PASTE

The Nothing Taste

Shown here in its pure form

Almond paste, in its natural form, has a taste every bit as delightful as the inside of one's mouth. In the morning. However, when properly prepared and baked inside of a confection, such as a See's Candy, it has the taste of a canker sore. Whenever almond paste is to be involved in a food offering, the only proper answer should be, "Nothing for me, thanks."
Almond paste in its finished form.

The Museum of Nothing

Lawrence S. Pertillar

The Museum of Nothing

Although the museum had nothing on exhibit...
The people not believing this,
Would still come in droves to visit.

They would stand in line to wait.
And pay their fee to gain entry.
And inquire, once inside...
Why was nothing there,
To sustain them with pride.

And from room to vacant room,
They walked behind the tour guide!

So the board of directors,
Decided to please them all.
And changed the name of the museum!
The museum was renamed,
The Museum of Nothing.
And people came in the Winter,
Spring, Summer and Fall.

And 'nothing' it was affectionately called.

Although the museum had nothing on exhibit...
The people not believing this,
Would still come in droves to visit.

They would stand in line to wait.
And pay their fee to gain entry.
Some adjusting to the nothingness.
While others stood for hours,
Just to stare as if in disbelief.

Addicted to anything said to them.
And clearly easy to deceive.

Lawrence S. Pertillar

Echo Chamber

Speak Into the Void

Lost Lens Quest

One Man's Search For His Lost Lens

Unable to log into my lens, "Sports Bar" to add to it, I set out to discover why. This log details the harrowing journey.

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